Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Ten Steps to being a Successful Politician

The very first question here should be WHY would you or anyone for that matter want to be a politician?

The answers of course are as varied as the individuals who “man their posts” in our Provincial and Federal fortresses of righteousness.

One hint on who might aspire to this lofty career shows up pretty clearly in our early school days. The geek who is carrying a brief case instead of a binder down the halls between classes and who has a dandruff problem that leaves a trail behind him is usually a prime candidate for a political career in later life. He is used to being beaten up while having to “hang” with the “filthy masses” so when he gets a chance to join a club that hides behind great stone walls and has at least two police forces their for their protection, then who wouldn’t want to be there? Plus he gets a chance to “get even” for all the early beatings, by legislating and taxing those filthy minions literally to death over their complete lifetime.

Now, here are the various steps on becoming a politician. Follow these closely and never waver no matter how many sleepless nights you experience. It will all be worth in the long run. You might even have your portrait painted and hung in some drafty stone dark corridor someday where kids from school go for tours and ask the guide “who is that stupid old man there in the painting?”……the guide of course doesn’t know but just says “ he was responsible for many great things”……..just to shut the kids up.

Step One: Rip your soul out of your body and hand it over immediately either to Satan or the first politician you meet who is “hooked up”. Whichever shows up first will do. You won’t need that puppy anymore.

Step Two: Make sure you have a strong stomach at this point because your going to have to kiss a few asses for the next year or two. Specially your leader’s. It will all be worth it as the lower you go in stature in front of your leader, the closer to the front benches you will sit when and if legislature is ever convened. Look behind you at the back benchers who aren’t quite willing to kiss away …yet!

Step Three: After the appropriate groveling and kiss ass period is behind you then you might get invited to sit on your first committee! Now your going to start making a shitload of money by having access to the public trough and at the same time you will be able to start getting even with those filthy masses that beat you when you were a knob in school.

Step Four: You are now becoming a seasoned professional liar and thief but nobody can call you those names because anyone in Parliament is above the Law of the Land, that law is only for the filthy masses to follow. After all you have thousands of police at your disposal to enforce your decisions and “crazy as a shithouse rat” thoughts and dreams.

Step Five: You've been at this a while now and it comes time to ask the filthy masses for another four years because this is the only time in four years you have to even talk to them. Out will magically come the “Talk to the Filthy Masses Election Kit”. Everything you will ever have to say to these peons. Things you never even heard of is contained in there and all you have to do is follow the bouncing ball of political bullshit contained therein. Voila! Another four years of trough dipping and beating these people are in the works!

Step Six: No matter how many sleepless nights you seem to experience it is all worth it. You are now beginning to “look” like your fellow politicians. Balding prematurely, sagging jowls and large rolls of fat flowing over your Gucci Belt. Yikes, and your only 33 years old! One has to pay for their transgressions somewhere don’t they? A little ugliness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of public funding.

Step Seven: You now disappear from the radar of publicity and start traveling to various countries in the fully equipped Government jet at the expense of those Filthy Masses because now you can really start spending tax money without those damn local reporters snooping into your personal space all the time! While you visit various dictatorships and other evil leaders you make under the table deals that are never publicly reported back home and ensure that your political cronies always have a “safe house” to go when things get a little “testy” back home.

Step Eight: You’ve done so well over the years now that you don’t even have to go back to the Filthy Masses anymore for a seat in Parliament. You are now the “go to guy” for the younger “sheep” coming up the ladder to the trough. Your on your way now to an early death from cirrhosis or heart trouble or just plain old miserable “ageing”……….

Step Nine: Now that your well on in life, you only get called on from time to time to make a public appearance and that is usually at what they call a “Party” or “Convention” just to spout the party line and scream at the young ones there who “think” they can bring some semblance of honesty and morals back into the fold. Good Luck with all that you young bastards! You’d be so honest you would be poor! That ain’t goin’ ta happen!!

Step Ten: You think at this point that you are a special person and just to prove it you start writing books about your life and all the great things you have done. Nobody buys it and you keep rambling on about what is right and wrong with the world until you finally gag on your own slop and then drift off into a deep sleep aided by drugs and alcohol……….the state funeral is waiting …..the sound of a thousand voices pleading for relief of taxes and shorter work weeks tries to keep you from slumbering and……..and………..then that one voice comes crystal clear through the haze…………”Welcome Home to Hell!”

“I’ve been waiting for you!”

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